A letter to Matilda Mae 9

Dearest Matilda Mae,

I can hardly believe its been a year. A whole year. It does not make sense, there is no reason that you left.
A year ago I begged that it was a mistake, that someone else had written the words your devoted Mummy tweeted. I prayed it was a lie, although it would have been a horrible unforgivable lie I so wanted it to be a lie. I needed and wanted for it to be a mistake so badly.

How could a happy, smiley, healthy girl be gone forever?? As a Mum myself I grieved with your family. That might sound odd as I never met you Tilda, but I knew who you were, I had seen your smiley photos and knew about your Mummy’s blog.
You were like a girl at playgroup, the online equivalent of a neighbours child if you like. You didn’t know me, but I’d have recognised you Matilda Mae. You know, like a familiar face whose name you didn’t know.

I am writing to you dear Matilda Mae from the steps of a church. Its cold and deserted, but it is calm and peaceful. I hope you feel peaceful in heaven little Angel? I reckon if fate is anything to go by you’ll be with my Nan – she is lovely too, and gives a mean hug.

I often think of you. I hope you know the mark you left on this world? The legacy your family and friends have made.
All the stars are out again dear Tilda, to show our respect to you, but also to try to help your beautiful family at this time.

Everyone knows you now Matilda Mae, and the charity work done in your memory has, I hope, saved little lives. I am terrified of heights, terrified. But when I jumped out of that plane for you, after the initial panic, I felt calm. I was questioning my belief of heaven, I was asking myself big questions, but I think you know that Dearest Tilda, as it felt like you were with us. I knew skydiving wouldn’t bring you home to mummy and Daddy and the twins, I knew I wasn’t possible, but I hoped for a sign, something significant I could give to Mummy on the ground. Maybe a falling white feather, to tell her I touched the clouds, that I saw her Angel. I didn’t, I couldn’t give Jennie anything. But I did feel watched, and looked after, and a strange peace… Then we went through a cloud, a cloud with a tiny circle shaped rainbow. Just like a bubble blown with too much bubble mixture looks, an almost glowing rainbow effect. The instructor told me it was our shadow, and at first I believed him – but now I think you were helping us Tilda. Were you with me in the clouds Angel?

Keep watching over your Mummy, Daddy, and those gorgeous twin siblings of yours. You are never forgotten. X

See more letters to Matilda Mae on Susanne’s blog.