Well what can I say, today didn’t start off great. I struggled to sleep again last night, and I’ve never been much of a morning person anyway, but this morning I didn’t see or hear my alarms. I have various alarm clocks, all set at slightly different times.
First thing I see or hear today, not the alarms, but Blokey in a bad mood demanding I wake up now. He’s one of those people that wake up and *boom* he’s wide awake. I am not like that. I go through stages almost, starting off barely awake, slow and confused, I gradually realise I’m awake, and try to fight sleep, then eventually after about 30 to 40 minutes of being dazed I wake properly and stumble to the loo and brush my teeth. From then I’m ok, awake even if I’m feeling exhausted from good or bad dreams the night before.
So waking to nagging and lecturing wasn’t nice. Telling me I “have a responsibility to the children to wake up” and that I am “lazy” or that I was just assuming that he would walk Jen to school whilst I just lay like a starfish in the bed.
In fact I’m not lazy, or trying to annoy anyone by “ignoring” the alarms. I genuinely have sleep based issues. Why would I choose to have two stressy children and a grumpy Blokey? Exactly, I wouldn’t! It’s not a choice.
So after I was lectured I felt rubbish, it was the opposite of a motivational wakey wakey speech. I curled up inside, like a tiny frightened child. I hid under my duvet and held back tears. I did not want to move now, I just wanted to vanish, I wanted to disappear, I wanted everything and everyone to go away. I wanted the world to vanish and to be asleep, maybe in a good dream for a change.
Anywhere. But. Here.
However I couldn’t just sleep through, I had a therapist appointment. In town. I needed to leave home by 10:20am but I only left bed at around 9:20 so I didn’t want to have a shower. I hate going to town with wet hair, people look at you in a judgemental way.
So I went downstairs and made myself breakfast and a cuppa. I didn’t say a word to him after he returned from the school run. I was too annoyed. That lecture had got me all self hating and stressy. All I could hear how was my inner monologue, my conscience I suppose, telling me, almost shouting I’m useless, I’m a bad person, a total failure. How many times can one person fail, why do you even bother?!….
More negative thoughts followed, but of a similar style. Like having your own private bully stuck inside of you…. Stuck in you with the words on repeat, hateful, nasty, controlling words. And there we have it, I become a vulnerable miserable child, just like I used to be.
I. Just. Want. A. Hug.
I don’t want to go outside, I feel I need to curl up and cry myself to sleep. There are strangers out there. Sleep is my self defence, my coping strategy. Strange as it sounds I have fallen asleep when frightened. Like in doctors waiting rooms, I zone out and sleep. I’ve forgotten the ends of family arguments as I’ve shut down and slept. Crying makes me tired. More tired than I already am.
I can’t sleep, therapy is something I can’t skip. I have to go. I tell myself this and slap extra make up on, and attempt to make myself look braver than I feel inside.
Black dress, purple tights and earrings, red jumper, blue and pink shoes, and red and purple nail varnish. I put on tons of perfume, So..? with the purple lid.
I walk around the house to the garage, and get on my purple bike. There is a certain safety, a sort of grounding feeling to be smoothered in your favourite colour. If you shoved all my clothing in a shredder today it would have come out as a deep purple. It might of looked like I got dressed in the dark, but it was all chosen based on my fragile mood.
I pedaled, really fast. It’s funny how being annoyed makes you cycle faster, which was helpful as I had to put foundation on a few times to face the outside world. Dear self confidence issues, you are not helping my problem skin!
I got to the mental health center in the very minute my appointment started.
Doctor Dave wanted to talk about my bleeding phobia. That didn’t happen. I ended up saying how much I hate everyone and everything except my Grandparents I miss with all my heart and soul. We talk about this for a while as a nervously fidget and play with my Grandparents engagement ring I wear constantly.
It’s so important to me. Despite having daughters of her own, Nan gave it to me when she was alive. It makes me feel like I mattered to someone.
Doctor Dave then asks “so when you feel like this normally, who do you have around you? Who can you talk it out with?” I reply, and it hurts “when I get angry and self hating I want my Nan, she was the only one I could phone. The only one I had.”
I cried so hard I felt sick.
We talked about other things I do not want to write about, and I cried more.
I couldn’t go straight home, I stuck my massive sunglasses on my face to hide my tears and walked to the public loos to redo my inch thick foundation. Then I had to go and buy more make up as I worried I would run out, and with my issues this could mean I couldn’t leave the house alone. I need to hide behind it.
Can I erase today from the calendar please? Can it all go away? Especially the hatey voice inside. Just shhhh and shhhh some more.
Yup, I think it’s safe to say tomorrow needs to be better.