It’s not been great recently, I won’t lie. I’m done, I’ve had enough and I want out. Except I’ve no where really to go. I can’t stand Him Indoors telling me I’m useless, that I’m lazy and milking an “illness” and should get a job… in retail no less. He keeps pointing out shop work : you know, what therapist and doctors and an independent occupational health adviser agree I’m not suited for. Retail nearly saw me leap from a window. Since not “working” I’ve got in to blogging, trying to blog for good, not just personal rants or reviews. I’ve helped charities, and supported others in the “online community”. To him they are strangers, people that don’t matter. To me they are my only friends. I need them, and I hope it’s a two-way friendship that they like me back.
Well what can I say, today didn’t start off great. I struggled to sleep again last night, and I’ve never been much of a morning person anyway, but this morning I didn’t see or hear my alarms. I have various alarm clocks, all set at slightly different times. First thing I see or hear today, not the alarms, but Blokey in a bad mood demanding I wake up now. He’s one of those people that wake up and *boom* he’s wide awake. I am not like that. I go through stages almost, starting off barely awake, slow and confused, I gradually realise I’m awake, and try to fight sleep, then eventually after about 30 to 40 minutes of being dazed I wake properly and stumble to the loo and brush my teeth. From then I’m ok, awake even if I’m feeling exhausted from good or bad dreams the night before. […]
Katy has been a good virtual pal to me over the last few months, and she’s great. Here is what Katy says…. In 2010, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia after suffering from strange experiences for over three years. It was an earth shattering diagnosis, and despite having ‘company’ from my voices, it was the loneliest time of my life. When I started recovering from the symptoms a year after diagnosis, I wanted to do something to help others. I didn’t have a clue what I could do, but after finding inspiration in a memoir about schizophrenia, I started my own blog, joined Twitter and then did the biggest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I started a magazine. I started Still Here magazine so that people with schizophrenia, psychosis and other mental illnesses could find support, inspiration and most of all, reduce loneliness. It is a one-year long experiment, […]
It’s way past bedtime and here I am, wide awake and trying to ignore the urge to tidy the house. Can I sleep now. Today, well technically yesterday, I went to the weekly Psychotherapy appointment but this time I broke down in tears. A snotty, damp red faced mess. Gawd how much I wanted a hug then, but can’t hug or even shake a doctor/therapists hand. He had me explain why I feel such overwhelming desire to “protect the youngest” in most situations, why my eldest resents me. Why I’m always so self negative. What happened at the boys births and how I said goodbye to D at five days old and telling him to look after his Daddy, because a doctor told me I’d die by morning. How I thought I’d die if I was pregnant again. How I hate myself for being a rubbish mum. Being disappointed in […]
What to do? I’ve been off since October due to mental health. I still think returning to retail is wrong for me. I could work, but I’ve a great number of phobias and issues that limit the work I can do. How can you do shift work when afraid of the dark? I can’t even go into my garden after dark unless accompanied. Can’t work at the hospital due to my extreme medical phobias. Anything door to door is a non starter, fear of dogs and agoraphobia. It’s fun being different. :-/ I’m no longer getting paid by my employer as it’s been so long. But the idea of letting the benefit agency and ATOS scrutinise my mental health frightens me nearly as much as working with strangers. I’ve only ever done shop work, so office jobs don’t even respond to my applications. Or I get told irrelevant experience, wrong […]
I need work, whilst I don’t think I can hold a normal job at the moment, the classic 9-5 is not right for me I do need some sort of income, sooo.. Here goes.. Typing away…. I have been out of work since October with depression and mental health. This in no way stops me writing or blogging but definitely impacts on my daily life, in particular speaking to people in person is very hard for me and leaving my house alone. Yesterday my partner also got bad employment news. We thought he was lined up to be made redundant, which wouldn’t have been great news, but there would have been a redundancy payout by the company so that would have actually been OK. What his bosses have done instead, is to demote him, including a pay cut as his job is “no longer needed”, and to keep his notice […]
I am a useless person, I bring in no real income. I chat all day online via twitter on my phone to help pass the hours. I comfort eat as I’m bored lonely and cut off in real life. I can’t tell you the last time someone hugged me without a motive except little Jen. The last time a stranger spoke kindly to me was simply because Jen’s chattyness got her attention on the bus. That was just to say I must be a good mum as he’s rather smart for a 4 year old. The last time someone said this in real life before then? I can’t tell you. Online I get told regularly I’m kind, chatty, nice even. But face to face people drop me faster than a sweetie wrapper. Dear internet, you are all I’ve got and I just want a hug, a real person, with warm […]
So much fake lovey dovey stuff is forced in our faces from mid January to make you buy over priced and largely tatt tokens of affection. I don’t want chocolates in a heart shaped box, or a cheaply made teddy bear just because it’s hugging a heart cushion. It’s everywhere, and this year I am NOT playing this Valentine’s game! This is going to be a rant, a personal one. If you know my in real life kindly stop reading. One year ago, on Valentine’s day night, at midnight so he’d think I’d forgotten any kind of gift or love token, totally unexpected to him (I think) I got down on one knee and asked him to be my husband. He said yes, I was so happy. Then he refused to put the ring on saying he didn’t like jewelry, didn’t want it mentioned anywhere people might hear it or […]
At the moment I’m so scatty and forgetful that my other half wrote a to-do list. I’m not kidding!
On Wednesday I went out to Birmingham, I was on a mission to buy Merlin Annual passes. They have a January sale on, we had been looking online to buy these, but was about £550 online or £360 in a Merlin attraction. The sale prices were “in-store only” which is a bit of a nuisance. So twenty quid train fare was a bargain really to grab £200 ish discount. I am not actually paying, my mum wanted to treat my boys to some fun. Cheers Mummy. So at the station this morning there was some drama. A “fatality on the line” had caused some delays and cancelled trains.Was a bit awkward sitting on the platform listening to other passengers asking why people with mental health issues and depression are let out alone. I was just sinking into the bench on the platform willing the train to hurry up. When I […]
Today has been one of those bad days, things getting on my nerves, some bad news and money worries. On the way to school this morning it was dry as I walked out of the front door but chucking it down by the time I’d got my cycle from the garage. I pedal fast with Jen but the rain was right in our faces, and so was the wind. Then it stopped once I got him inside the classroom! Typical eh?Then I came home and did some laundry. All seemed OK until I took the items out of the washer. Everything had brown powdery marks on them like someone had washed it in cocoa powder. I’ve no idea why this keeps happening every few washes recently. Then I tried to use the toaster, but it failed. Was plugged in and turned on, put the bread in and pushed button, nothing! […]
I feel sorry for my Partner.Since my medication was increased I’ve been having more vocal outbursts whilst asleep. Whilst I don’t think my dreams are any worse than before, this last week has been interesting for the poor blokey. On Saturday morning in the early hours I was having one of those dreams about the past again, not pleasant sort of dream, I was muttering in my sleep then I apparently punched him hard twice in the back. Not a little half-hearted slap, a proper punch from which he’s still sore now. I remember feeling threatened in my dream, and I had attacked someone to defend myself, of course I later learnt I hadn’t *just* dreamt about hitting out. Sunday morning also in the middle of night I started shouting. I vaguely remember giving some strongly worded insults in my dream/nightmare. Again it was a dream involving Domestic Violence from […]