Why I hate Valentines day 10

So much fake lovey dovey stuff is forced in our faces from mid January to make you buy over priced and largely tatt tokens of affection. I don’t want chocolates in a heart shaped box, or a cheaply made teddy bear just because it’s hugging a heart cushion. It’s everywhere, and this year I am NOT playing this Valentine’s game! This is going to be a rant, a personal one. If you know my in real life kindly stop reading. One year ago, on Valentine’s day night, at midnight so he’d think I’d forgotten any kind of gift or love token, totally unexpected to him (I think) I got down on one knee and asked him to be my husband. He said yes, I was so happy. Then he refused to put the ring on saying he didn’t like jewelry, didn’t want it mentioned anywhere people might hear it or […]


Nightmares and Weird Dreams 1

I feel sorry for my Partner.Since my medication was increased I’ve been having more vocal outbursts whilst asleep. Whilst I don’t think my dreams are any worse than before, this last week has been interesting for the poor blokey. On Saturday morning in the early hours I was having one of those dreams about the past again, not pleasant sort of dream, I was muttering in my sleep then I apparently punched him hard twice in the back. Not a little half-hearted slap, a proper punch from which he’s still sore now. I remember feeling threatened in my dream, and I had attacked someone to defend myself, of course I later learnt I hadn’t *just* dreamt about hitting out. Sunday morning also in the middle of night I started shouting. I vaguely remember giving some strongly worded insults in my dream/nightmare. Again it was a dream involving Domestic Violence from […]

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I’m a good girlfriend. Kinda… 2

This morning I woke up a little late as usual. But in my defence I’m not sleeping well.Today was the Misters birthday. I had two lots of cakey surprises…. The first lot was “breakfast in bed”. I had the tray of muffins under the bed, just reached over and grabbed them. He was shocked. I got shop bought muffins, placed them deceptively well into a 6 cake oven tray and iced OLD GIT on top. Presented them with a card that read “freshly made by me, well kinda. It’s the thought that counts right?” I am not a cook at all, and he appreciated the effort. Takes longer to walk to the shop than baking muffins would take, by if I’d made them they wouldn’t have tasted as nice. After this I took two cutesy cupcakes downstairs to him full of lit candles. Couldn’t really light those in bed. Would […]

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Suddenly feeling abandoned and angry. 2

Today is my partners work Christmas do. Its black tie, posh food at formal dinner. Then a party. First time I’ve been out in ages, and with partner on my arm in a cocktail suit. So why am I upset? Tonight I shall be wearing my only posh dress… It’s lovely and really long. A deep purple that shimmers another shade of purple. Great dress, except I bought this for my own wedding reception. Until he called it off a few months back… Yeah right when I had the breakdown. Is it a surprise I was suicidal? Any way, here we are. Is it normal to stay with someone after such a rejection? I doubt it. I still love him, although he no longer loves me. That hurts, I won’t sugar coat it. It REALLY HURTS. So off to the doctors for a check on how I’m coping, honestly doc […]

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Kaboom – The Breakdown Post 8

Well, what can I say? I think kaboom is a great word for what’s going on. Last weekend I had a mental breakdown, it had been building for some time to be fair. I’ve been saying “I’m fine” way too much, as I just don’t know how to express how bad I feel. Kaboom… This resulted in me wanting to throw myself from the upstairs window on Saturday night, luckily I suppose, I have phobias, including a fear of heights. This meant I just was shaking uncontrollably instead, crying so much I felt like I was drowning from snot, and all around my eyes hurt like I had been punched in the face. I got up, went to work, struggling lots. Sunday night, same thing, so depressed it hurt. My partner had told me to stop snivelling and attention seeking. I wasn’t attention seeking, I was breaking from the inside. […]

Terrified of being alone 2

My other half has been told he has to go to Canada for a week by work. They are paying hotel, flights and reasonable expenses. In the 11 years we’ve been together we’ve never been apart overnight for more than 2 nights. The times he’s gone I’ve been like a love sick teenager, unable to sleep until almost daylight when exhaustion sets in. How on earth will I cope with both boys and Me, no Hubby. He’s my sanity, my “rock”, my best friend, the only one who truly understands me, my cook, my alarm call ….. he does so much for me. I can’t see the end of this month going well for me.