Lonely And Cold 12


It’s not been great recently, I won’t lie. I’m done, I’ve had enough and I want out. Except I’ve no where really to go.
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I can’t stand Him Indoors telling me I’m useless, that I’m lazy and milking an “illness” and should get a job… in retail no less. He keeps pointing out shop work : you know, what therapist and doctors and an independent occupational health adviser agree I’m not suited for. Retail nearly saw me leap from a window.

Since not “working” I’ve got in to blogging, trying to blog for good, not just personal rants or reviews. I’ve helped charities, and supported others in the “online community”. To him they are strangers, people that don’t matter. To me they are my only friends. I need them, and I hope it’s a two-way friendship that they like me back.

In “real life” I’m more than shy, I am worried/frightened by strangers. People aren’t my thing, animals are. I can’t say “hello” to a stranger I walk past, but I will sit on a pavement and hug a kitty, talking to it, stroking it – there will be eye contact, communication, and a mutual respect or trust. But I can’t telephone a person I know and say “hi I’m lonely, please help me”. I can’t intrude for I have learnt I am worthless, annoying, someone who gets ignored. Hell, I nearly hugged a big issue seller a fortnight ago, as he said I was pretty. Random compliment, but I felt happy for a few hours.

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I tried hard think of the last time I was hugged by someone except Blokey (and that’s rare and not two-way anyhow) or my sons and it was Tanya at the skydive in July, before this… You’ve guessed it, BritMumsLive bloggers meeting in June, thanks Lizzie, Lili, Claire, the other Claire, Liska, Joy, Kylie, Monika and Fiona. All these people are internet friends, not “real” apparently. Tanya thanks for being there, always. Rachel thank you for the genuinely touching offer I might yet accept. Lizzie, oh Lizzie, you know what you do. Kylie, we should have been sisters.
You guys might have thought nothing of it, but to me you made a difference. Is it sad I am still “holding on to” those hugs, the support they represent?

As you (probably) read, Dotty died this week, even that I got no hug from him.
Seriously? I stayed up late watching a life end, crying, hurting, my voice was all crackley and no hug. Often I go to bed after he’s asleep, and hug him… Move his arm over me, and pretend I’m loved. Doesn’t work. I am not loved, I am in the way. Other night’s I wish Jen would cry/fidget/feel unwell so I’ve an excuse to bring him into my Blokey’s bed. To have someone near me who I can feel genuinely wants me there.

I have no one in real life, I am cut off, I am alone. So excuse me for having 51 thousand tweets, it is, in my defence, my only social life.

Last night I slept in my tent, next to my pet rabbits, in his garden, after he said yet again I wasn’t welcome in his house. It was cold, and scary. I am genuinely afraid of the dark. Why don’t I really go? I can’t, I have no one, no where. I’d miss Jen… I need Jen… I love Jen. I often feel I only have one son, D has rejected me for his Father. My only real option is to run to Rachel’s with my Jen. Go without permission on a train and then the social workers would reopen my case and I look like an unfit mother. Love counts for nothing apparently. I could lose my son for appearing mentally unfit.

Today I’ve mostly slept, and cried. I still feel Cold. Empty. Gone. Tired. Done.

Anyone got a Tardis? I could be a new person, me and Jen get new lives. I wouldn’t be told I’m lazy, ugly, stupid, ignorant, pathetic, useless, a failure, and all the crap Blokey and D tell me daily. I want to run away.

I think I’m single anyway.
After hours asleep today I’m hungry, but I can’t eat. I feel sick.
The only conversation today was him blaming medication for me being like this because I’ve run out of tablets over a week ago. No dear, even when taking tablets I know you do not want me, do not care.
Can I sleep forever please? That would be easier for me at least, but not my Jen. *Slaps self* Pretend you’re ok for Jen.

Yeah, I’m crying again.


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12 thoughts on “Lonely And Cold

  • Baked Potato Mummy

    Oh Julie! I’m so sorry I didn’t hug you more at the Skydive. I remember giving you a big hug as you set off to the plane, because you looked so scared, and I couldn’t believe blokey wasn’t doing the same!

    Nobody should feel like this. Nobody should be made to feel like this. You are pretty, and smart and brave and loved. But I can see its not enough.

    If I can do anything to help, please let me know xx
    Baked Potato Mummy recently wrote… Buzz Words, Buzz Off.My Profile

  • liveotherwise

    I’m fairly useless in person. I can’t initiate hugs even though most of the time I do want them. I’m often lonely and scared. Which is my way of apologising for not seeming friendlier than I did at Cybher – I wish I had.

    But I’m here, online, and rooting for you. I don’t have any answers, but I hope there are some for you somewhere.
    liveotherwise recently wrote… Silent Sunday 15 September 2013.My Profile

  • Hannah

    I couldn’t read and run when I saw this. I feel so sad for you but you know what I really feel? I feel so angry. You are genuine person, you are kind and sensitive, you are a good person you deserve to be loved and cared for to be happy. I can see your situation is difficult but there has to be something, you don’t deserve to be being talked down to especially not by your son, your partner, I don’t have any ‘real’ life fiends I honestly don’t it sucks but like you I’ve found some lovely people through blogging I’ve met some lovely people too like you.
    You are valid. You are worth kindness, love, happiness. I hope you know this. All the hugs for you right now I’m on twitter as cupcakemumma11 and I’m always about xxx
    Hannah recently wrote… A Year in Gifts July.My Profile

  • Claire

    Hi Julie,

    So sorry you’re feeling like this. xxx

    So sorry about Dotty! Huge hugs for that. xxx

    I don’t like to think of you feeling all alone, so sorry I can’t help in the right here and the right now- we need to meet asap so I’m about to Facebook you.

    Stay strong and positive.

    lots of love

    Claire
    xxx
    Claire recently wrote… Silent Sunday.My Profile

  • Ojo Henley

    I don’t know what to say, but I so wanted you to know I had read this. You are worthy of being loved and you shouldn’t be bullied and degraded.

    Please find help, a local citizens advice bureau? I wish i could just come and get you.

    Sending massive (((((((cwches))))))) xxxxx
    Ojo Henley recently wrote… Meal Plan Monday 16/09.My Profile