It’s not been great recently, I won’t lie. I’m done, I’ve had enough and I want out. Except I’ve no where really to go.
I can’t stand Him Indoors telling me I’m useless, that I’m lazy and milking an “illness” and should get a job… in retail no less. He keeps pointing out shop work : you know, what therapist and doctors and an independent occupational health adviser agree I’m not suited for. Retail nearly saw me leap from a window.
Since not “working” I’ve got in to blogging, trying to blog for good, not just personal rants or reviews. I’ve helped charities, and supported others in the “online community”. To him they are strangers, people that don’t matter. To me they are my only friends. I need them, and I hope it’s a two-way friendship that they like me back.
In “real life” I’m more than shy, I am worried/frightened by strangers. People aren’t my thing, animals are. I can’t say “hello” to a stranger I walk past, but I will sit on a pavement and hug a kitty, talking to it, stroking it – there will be eye contact, communication, and a mutual respect or trust. But I can’t telephone a person I know and say “hi I’m lonely, please help me”. I can’t intrude for I have learnt I am worthless, annoying, someone who gets ignored. Hell, I nearly hugged a big issue seller a fortnight ago, as he said I was pretty. Random compliment, but I felt happy for a few hours.
I tried hard think of the last time I was hugged by someone except Blokey (and that’s rare and not two-way anyhow) or my sons and it was Tanya at the skydive in July, before this… You’ve guessed it, BritMumsLive bloggers meeting in June, thanks Lizzie, Lili, Claire, the other Claire, Liska, Joy, Kylie, Monika and Fiona. All these people are internet friends, not “real” apparently. Tanya thanks for being there, always. Rachel thank you for the genuinely touching offer I might yet accept. Lizzie, oh Lizzie, you know what you do. Kylie, we should have been sisters.
You guys might have thought nothing of it, but to me you made a difference. Is it sad I am still “holding on to” those hugs, the support they represent?
As you (probably) read, Dotty died this week, even that I got no hug from him.
Seriously? I stayed up late watching a life end, crying, hurting, my voice was all crackley and no hug. Often I go to bed after he’s asleep, and hug him… Move his arm over me, and pretend I’m loved. Doesn’t work. I am not loved, I am in the way. Other night’s I wish Jen would cry/fidget/feel unwell so I’ve an excuse to bring him into
my Blokey’s bed. To have someone near me who I can feel genuinely wants me there.
I have no one in real life, I am cut off, I am alone. So excuse me for having 51 thousand tweets, it is, in my defence, my only social life.
Last night I slept in my tent, next to my pet rabbits, in his garden, after he said yet again I wasn’t welcome in his house. It was cold, and scary. I am genuinely afraid of the dark. Why don’t I really go? I can’t, I have no one, no where. I’d miss Jen… I need Jen… I love Jen. I often feel I only have one son, D has rejected me for his Father. My only real option is to run to Rachel’s with my Jen. Go without permission on a train and then the social workers would reopen my case and I look like an unfit mother. Love counts for nothing apparently. I could lose my son for appearing mentally unfit.
Today I’ve mostly slept, and cried. I still feel Cold. Empty. Gone. Tired. Done.
Anyone got a Tardis? I could be a new person, me and Jen get new lives. I wouldn’t be told I’m lazy, ugly, stupid, ignorant, pathetic, useless, a failure, and all the crap Blokey and D tell me daily. I want to run away.
I think I’m single anyway.
After hours asleep today I’m hungry, but I can’t eat. I feel sick.
The only conversation today was him blaming medication for me being like this because I’ve run out of tablets over a week ago. No dear, even when taking tablets I know you do not want me, do not care.
Can I sleep forever please? That would be easier for me at least, but not my Jen. *Slaps self* Pretend you’re ok for Jen.
Yeah, I’m crying again.