It feels like sleep and I are at war. If I’m awake I’m exhausted, when I’m asleep I am trapped by sleep and cannot wake up. I’ve been to my doctor so many times, I’m fed up of trying to say this is not normal.
Today I had a routine doctors appointment about depression medication but it was a locum doctor. I felt uncomfortable and interrogated. When this, how long that, why this….? He asked a horrid few questions for a guy I’d never met. “Suicidal?” Not even are you to start the sentence, I say no not right now, “Recently?” “Erm a couple of months ago?” “Why?” I just shrug. “Do you self harm?” *nodded quietly* “well?” “Yes I do”. “How?” “I burn myself in the shower on purpose and other non visible harm”. My poor Blokey is next to me, he’s never asked such a direct question so I see him wincing at my answers.
The doctor then looks at Blokey and asks him “is it safe to prescribe her two months dose at a time?” I hear will you make sure she doesn’t overdose. He chats a bit about my sleep issues. He thinks it’s more likely Bipolar or something mental health related than physical like Chronic Fatigue… I think he’s wrong. It physically hurts to stay awake if my brain or body decide it’s sleepy time.
Today I woke up in the morning for the school run and stayed awake until my appointment but slept from 2pm until around 6:30pm when Blokey sat me up and put a plate of hot food by me. After eating I nodded off again. I had things to do today, but I just can’t.
The harder I try to be awake, to be present in a room, the stronger the sleep signals are. At the weekend I went away for a cottage break with other bloggers, that was amazing for me that I woke up two days in a row before 9am without being woken by anyone. However I am struggling from that now, over pushing myself always has a price. It was too near where I used to live, where I lived when I was abused – it was a weekend of PTSD triggers and trying to act normal. Now I am in a sort of sleep hang over.
How can I sleep over 12 hours and be tired still? It makes no sense to me, but I really want an actual diagnosis of something. I need to know why I am like this, then it might be treatable, it might go away?
Dear sleep, you are not my friend.