I was so nervous and freaked out I felt like I was going to be sick, not that I was telling mum that. I was noticeably fidgity, constantly pulling and twisting and stroking my hair. I’m losing hair if I’m honest now. Can see thinner patches, have my hand in my hair right now infact.
People in general don’t understand mental health problems, unless they’ve been here. Right now I’m hiding in the dark, yet again. I’ve been home with both kids today. They’ve been ignoring my attempts at parenting, only time they listen is if I’m holding food. The rest of the time its like being with feral animals. Unsure if they intend to speak calmly or throw things at me.
I got so angry after hours of them being sarcastic and arguements about scalextric. D had said at about 4pm he’d put track together for him and J to play. Two and a half hours later, D still complaining “track doesn’t work” after refussing help, and suggestions from me. J still shouting “D, D, D, DEEEEEEEEE, answer me D, Why won’t you answer me?” Frantically, about every 3 minutes, over and over. D ignores him, even when I begged him to just reply, as I can not deal with this. I’m sat, destroyed, on floor rocking slightly backwards and forwards by this point. D continues to ignore. Then pops, screaming some more.
I feel like I’m in a war zone, I literally squeal “stop it stop it, you’re driving me crazy. I’m very angry, and I want to cry or smash things. You MUST STOP” they continue to fight, physical and verbally.
I now have chest pain on the left side again, and sore left arm – a problem even before my sanity was an issue. So they are going to give me a heart attack from stress or I’m doomed to stay insane. Thanks kids!
I’m upstairs now, in the dark. Staying away is better, they still trash things, still hurt each other but maybe the pain will stop if I am away from them.
Need to try to calm down. Usually that would be ranting on facebook, forums, or Twitter. But even online people seem to dislike me, whatever I write judged and criticised. Told off for being a drama queen, or for using bad grammar, generally for existing in the only places I felt accepted online. Lovely.
So now what do I do but blog in the dark. Oh for a real friend. I just want a hug, and maybe someone to put that bloody scalextric away.