What can I say, it’s the sort of week that brings up bad emotions. Just recently a London food blogger Wilkes888 jumped to his death from a tall building in London. I’ve been there, not that building, but I’ve stood with one foot inside one foot outside in a tall building.
My building wasn’t glamorous or nice. It was Debenham’s where I was working at the time. It was any normal day but I snapped, I’d had enough. I didn’t know what was wrong then, but this was my breakdown.
I was on shift and I’d gone into a stock area. This is just a corridor between the fake walls and the actual walls which are mainly huge single glazed windows with cold metal frames. I calmly opened the window really wide and climbed out. I was on automatic pilot, I wasn’t snivelling – I’d already decided enough was most definitely enough. I wanted out. This was it. If I wasn’t working I was in charge of my children – I had thought that through. If I was going to “top myself” it wouldn’t be my lads that find my body. I didn’t want them to have the guilt, the blame, the tormenting memories of a dead body.
I was just standing there. Half of me said jump half said stay. A colleague storms in and barks “Julie get back on the shop floor, a customer wants you. Hurry up!” – they totally miss what’s going on here. Disturbed and distracted I climb back in and just curl up on the bare wooden splintered floor boards and cry. Rocking back and forth crying. The colleague returns to give me another telling off and demands I get my arse on the shop floor. I refuse, I can’t cope with a stranger for feck sake man I just nearly discovered the answer to wether heaven or hell is real. “Screw the customer, talk to them yourself”, “‘scuse me love?” “Open your eyes. I can’t come out!” When I finally moved it was to run to the locker room and grab my coat.
Shortly after this I was home and flipped again. I wanted to die. I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted everything gone. I trapped myself under furniture so I couldn’t do it. I had my phone in my pocket and went online, strangers and friends helped me. My friend Jackie made me promise to phone the doctors.
The medical folk were less than awesome that night. The first few comments were “have you been drinking dear?” and “why don’t you just sleep and it’ll be fine by morning?”
No, things don’t magically fix themselves.
The next morning. .. Exhausted and tired I take myself to our doctors, they refuse to see me, despite the obvious distress. I keep walking, trying every doctors I pass on the way to the city center. No one wants to see me. I end up at what used to be a drop in doctors, but had become appointment only.
I refused to leave. I needed to see a doctor or a nurse or a shrink. Someone in a flipping uniform. They backed down and swapped appointments about and got me seen. The doctor wouldn’t let me leave the surgery, and told the reception staff to call police if I did. I left there with medicines and a referral to the mental health crisis team and unfortunately social services too.
I haven’t had a job since. I still want to die sometimes – I don’t mean I have a rough day and have a cry – I mean properly suicidal dark thoughts. It’s happened recently, I was driving at the time. I’d just dropped Jen off at school for the day and I had no responsibility. When I stop being their mum, their immediate carer I only think of me. Right or wrong that’s how it was.
I wanted to drive to the Severn Bridge and crash it hard off the side. If the impact didn’t “fix me” then drowning in the river below would. What stopped me was my dog Freya. She popped up in my rear view mirror. I’d forgotten she was there, I went from calm to crying. It’s not attention seeking or being dramatic, I hadn’t shouted look I’m going to jump. Somebody stop me. I just suddenly get the urge, a very strong urge, to die.
I understand how Wilkes888 could do it. I just wanted to finish, to stop. Not to have crazy thoughts and awful feelings and worse memories. I just wanted out. I respect him for having the courage, not an opinion most would share. Unless you’ve been there, leaning over that window ledge or balcony.
If my post upsets you I am sorry. If my post disturbs anything negative for you please talk to the Samaritans.