Twitter informs me its World Mental Health Day today. Something I can contribute to I feel. The other day I shared my doctors letter with you. I was hurt and upset to read a professional stating “Julie’s condition disables her” and his opinion that I’ll probably never be fit to work again. This is due to mental health. Mental health is often invisible. It often comes with a huge stigma, and a lot of judgement. A brief history of me… I’ve been abused, step father and a male partner. I have been beaten, robbed, raped, forced to do things, and utterly controlled to a point I lost the will to live. I escaped, I ran a few hundred miles and made internet friends. One of those internet friends is my Blokey, and we have two gorgeous children. Despite my mood swings, flash backs, nightmares, phobias, depression, dissociative disorder, and break […]
It’s not been great recently, I won’t lie. I’m done, I’ve had enough and I want out. Except I’ve no where really to go. I can’t stand Him Indoors telling me I’m useless, that I’m lazy and milking an “illness” and should get a job… in retail no less. He keeps pointing out shop work : you know, what therapist and doctors and an independent occupational health adviser agree I’m not suited for. Retail nearly saw me leap from a window. Since not “working” I’ve got in to blogging, trying to blog for good, not just personal rants or reviews. I’ve helped charities, and supported others in the “online community”. To him they are strangers, people that don’t matter. To me they are my only friends. I need them, and I hope it’s a two-way friendship that they like me back.
Well what can I say, today didn’t start off great. I struggled to sleep again last night, and I’ve never been much of a morning person anyway, but this morning I didn’t see or hear my alarms. I have various alarm clocks, all set at slightly different times. First thing I see or hear today, not the alarms, but Blokey in a bad mood demanding I wake up now. He’s one of those people that wake up and *boom* he’s wide awake. I am not like that. I go through stages almost, starting off barely awake, slow and confused, I gradually realise I’m awake, and try to fight sleep, then eventually after about 30 to 40 minutes of being dazed I wake properly and stumble to the loo and brush my teeth. From then I’m ok, awake even if I’m feeling exhausted from good or bad dreams the night before. […]
Little Jen as I recently mentioned might look cute but he is making bedtime hell in this house. Most nights Jen refuses to go to bed, sleeping anywhere except his bed. Most nights this means he’s asleep on the sofa after an argument. If I get him into bed chances are he will cry in the night and come into my room… Then there’s the bed wetting. Yup, that’s still going on! In the battle of wills, he definitely inherited my stubbornness, and often he wins not me. I’m getting tough now though, I have a nice man who has been visiting me to help improve my parenting skills. He is teaching me how to keep chilled even when the boys are throwing strops. The social worker suggested he come and help me, and yay! When Jen gets out of bed in the middle of the night sometimes I even […]
According to little Jen I’m a bad mother because I said he has to go to school. He has BoyFlu and he’s really playing on it. He’s not even got a temperature just the snot and sniffles. As l mentioned yesterday my bike tyre gave up. So instead of me giving him a lift on this bitter morning we had to walk. Cue twenty mins of this! Screaming like a banshee the entire way. Leaning towards traffic as we walked. He wouldn’t hold my hand, instead I was required to keep a vice like grip on his little hand to keep him safe. Not stopping screaming once not even when he was telling me I’m nasty, mean and a horrid mummy. Why wont he just believe me… School is compulsory. I get to school and his teachers are sickly nice towards him. Almost validating his reasons for a strop. “Come […]
Today D has been really rather rude with me, J and Daddy. I lost count of the number of naughty steps, we are talking double figures though. Every time he communicates he has an evil/sarcastic voice and an attitude to match. I need help, I need time off. I hide from him! I just feel like a failure, whatever I do or say it ends badly. The last time I had time off was in November when I went to Australia…. so naughty no one will babysit. Ironically I’m babysitting the niece and nephew right now. We are all sofa now, they are all laughing so hard at classic muppets on dvd, its dead sweet actually.