fear


wpid-dog-head-portrait-md.png

A rescue dog saved my life 5

Yes, a mistreated abused dog I saved returned the favour and saved me. I figure it’s time to tell you all about Ben the dog. I was quite young, I would say junior school age. I noticed a neighbour had a new dog, a small puppy with a curly tail, but he was bought as a gift by the Dad of the house for the very pregnant Mum of the house. The Mum already had her hands full with a small and unruly daughter. Ben was losing weight as the Mums’ priorities were elsewhere rather than feeding and looking after this needy pup she had been given. It was a burden she didn’t want or ask for, I understand that. What I can’t deal with is the abuse from the daughter. I saw her kick Ben. I saw her tie him in a plastic carrier bag and swing him over […]


wpid-mhaw-comp.jpeg

Tokophobia – have you heard of it? 13

No, I hadn’t either. But I was reading a pals blog, a lovely happy post, then I clicked on one of the related posts at the end. It was this the truth about tokophobia. Tokophobia apparently means an extreme phobia of pregnancy. So there is a new word for me to remember. I am terrified of pregnancy. Terrified of birth. Terrified of labour. I have flash back phobia related dreams. I imagine myself in labour, even though I am only dreaming I feel the pain. I feel cramping sudden pain like smaller contractions. Until I wake up I am back there. Things didn’t go well for me at the birth of my first son. Apparently it was all fine and not medically unusual. But I kept saying “something is wrong. Something is still inside me.” They didn’t believe I knew my own body, first time Mother, what would she know? […]


wpid-mmbutton2.png

Sad update, #MMskydive 4

UPDATE… I AM SO SORRY AIRFIELD JUST SAID NO, I AM TOO HEAVY. I AM DISAPPOINTED AND EMBARRASSED AND SORRY. 2ND AUGUST STILL ON! ——— I was skydiving on 2nd August, that is big for me. Now I am also skydiving on Friday 9th May. I have so far raised £31 which whilst I am grateful for it is not nearly enough. My JustGiving page is here if you want to check the total. I wish I was good at fundraising. I wish I could raise thousands. You see today is Matilda Mae’s birthday – but instead of toys and teddies and hugs and cards her parents and family instead have to send ballons and bubbles towards heaven. Hoping that Matilda Mae sees them…


wpid-2014-03-26-16.14.04.jpg.jpeg

Today I’m proud 12

As some of my readers know, I have big phobias. Complicated phobias. Phobias that overlap and make lots of things very hard for me, almost impossible in some situations. But today sod you medical phobia, I was stronger than you today. I’ve been seeing a therapist weekly for months now, and sometimes I think “What is the point?” as I leave in tears or shakey or angry. Sometimes it feels like I am going backwards not forwards fixing these phobias and flashbacks and nightmares and well, you know!


This is not the enemy. Honest!

I Would Have Loved The £200 Breastfeeding Bribe 4

The Breastfeeding trial seems largely unpopular based on the other blog posts I’ve read today, and lots of comments on twitter. New Mum’s offered voucher incentive to breastfeed. If I was offered £200 for breastfeeding my sons I would have taken it willingly. It’s not £200 all in one go, it’s in £40 chunks only dished out when the mum has breastfed for certain lengths of time. For my first child I struggled. I cried in bed in the hospital as my B cups had swollen to about an E within a few days. It was horrible, but I got past this as I was helped in the hospital each evening by the staff after the dinner, visiting time then bed time routines. It would go quieter and I’d get sensible advice. I only managed up to 4 months with D, but I’m glad I tried. I had the dreaded […]


Trespass or Inconsiderate Neighbours? 1

This morning I woke in the night, as I often do. Still a bit sleepy I walk in to my kitchen for a drink, not bothering to turn on the lights as I can see enough from the orange glow of a nearby street lamp. I bent down to retrieve a clean and slightly warm mug from my dishwasher and I catch movement out of the corner of my eye. A woman is in my garden, walking past my window. I see her eyes towards me, shes looking in to my home, I duck but keep watch. Then a second shadow sneaks past. I hear whispered voices. They are standing still, in my front garden, right at my front door. I feel frightened. I shout loudly to Blokey upstairs “there are people in our garden” and I run upstairs to look from a safer place. Its not like opening my […]


wpid-DSC_0426.jpg

Happy Campers 3

The last few days we have been camping in Devon, hence the silence from myself on social media. I get ordinary phone signal, but 3G has gone on holiday round these parts. We are staying on the River Dart country park. It is nice, we are pitched under the overhang of a sycamore tree, all around us is more family tents.


wpid-facebook_-1680558760.jpg

Would You Like The Bad Photos? 2

#MMskydive might be over but I am still fundraising and my justgiving page is open until Christmas. So no problem if you are waiting for pay day to donate a pound or three? I paid £95 myself for a camera man to jump out next to me. This means I have 90 pictures, in HD no less, clearly documenting my fear, panic attack and well, terror and pain. If I get to £500 on my justgiving page I’ll share them. They are BAD! I’ve shared just 5 of them with the skydive team and they’ve been wetting themselves laughing.


Stalking Awareness – I’ve Been Stalked 5

It’s not just celebrities that get stalked. I’ve been stalked myself. April the 18th is Stalking Awareness Day, and some people with experience on this subject will also be blogging, hopefully I will link to those from my blog shortly. I’ve gone in a bit early, we all know how forgetful I can be.   My Stalker Experience It was over a decade ago, when I lived in Cornwall a man started acting odd. He was a bus driver, I simply said “Hello” one evening on the bus home, it was a half an hour bus journey in silence otherwise. It was a journey I took regularly. The bus route to and from my place of employment, not a great job, just a fast food staff person. The same bus drivers drove on each route but in shifts, so I knew their faces and names from their badges, and they […]


Zemanta Related Posts Thumbnail

Work Vs Benefits 2

What to do? I’ve been off since October due to mental health. I still think returning to retail is wrong for me. I could work, but I’ve a great number of phobias and issues that limit the work I can do. How can you do shift work when afraid of the dark? I can’t even go into my garden after dark unless accompanied. Can’t work at the hospital due to my extreme medical phobias. Anything door to door is a non starter, fear of dogs and agoraphobia. It’s fun being different. :-/ I’m no longer getting paid by my employer as it’s been so long. But the idea of letting the benefit agency and ATOS scrutinise my mental health frightens me nearly as much as working with strangers. I’ve only ever done shop work, so office jobs don’t even respond to my applications. Or I get told irrelevant experience, wrong […]


Why I hate Valentines day 10

So much fake lovey dovey stuff is forced in our faces from mid January to make you buy over priced and largely tatt tokens of affection. I don’t want chocolates in a heart shaped box, or a cheaply made teddy bear just because it’s hugging a heart cushion. It’s everywhere, and this year I am NOT playing this Valentine’s game! This is going to be a rant, a personal one. If you know my in real life kindly stop reading. One year ago, on Valentine’s day night, at midnight so he’d think I’d forgotten any kind of gift or love token, totally unexpected to him (I think) I got down on one knee and asked him to be my husband. He said yes, I was so happy. Then he refused to put the ring on saying he didn’t like jewelry, didn’t want it mentioned anywhere people might hear it or […]


Zemanta Related Posts Thumbnail

Banks got me annoyed

Why are telephone and internet banking “security” questions so awkward that even I can’t access my own account. It’s frustrating as I know why I’ve failed security, I was asked the values of a few recent transactions on my account. One of them I knew was Lloyds chemists, it was the prescription charge for anti depressants. I said I have no idea what the NHS charge is, 7.50 ish. I had to Google it, surely the man on phone could accept “NHS prescription fee” as the answer, but no. I explain I’m disleksyc and numbers don’t stick, but surely knowing exactly what I bought, when these items have a set price, that should be good enough. If anything shows I know my account that I knew the location of the transaction and the time of it! The reason I’m trying so hard to contact my bank is we are trying […]