What can I say, this is brilliant. It got to me. I must pay attention. Just watch this… And go outside for an hour. x
Tikka the chicken was struggling and lonely since Freya Woof “got” poor Fajita. So yesterday we drove a few miles into the countryside to a farm to get a few more chickens. That was the plan, a few small, cheap chickens. The hens the boys chose were not cheap. I should have said “No way” at the prices, but the boys had decided and I didn’t have the heart to refuse. £35 each!! Ah well, it’s done now.
It’s not been great recently, I won’t lie. I’m done, I’ve had enough and I want out. Except I’ve no where really to go. I can’t stand Him Indoors telling me I’m useless, that I’m lazy and milking an “illness” and should get a job… in retail no less. He keeps pointing out shop work : you know, what therapist and doctors and an independent occupational health adviser agree I’m not suited for. Retail nearly saw me leap from a window. Since not “working” I’ve got in to blogging, trying to blog for good, not just personal rants or reviews. I’ve helped charities, and supported others in the “online community”. To him they are strangers, people that don’t matter. To me they are my only friends. I need them, and I hope it’s a two-way friendship that they like me back.
I am a useless person, I bring in no real income. I chat all day online via twitter on my phone to help pass the hours. I comfort eat as I’m bored lonely and cut off in real life. I can’t tell you the last time someone hugged me without a motive except little Jen. The last time a stranger spoke kindly to me was simply because Jen’s chattyness got her attention on the bus. That was just to say I must be a good mum as he’s rather smart for a 4 year old. The last time someone said this in real life before then? I can’t tell you. Online I get told regularly I’m kind, chatty, nice even. But face to face people drop me faster than a sweetie wrapper. Dear internet, you are all I’ve got and I just want a hug, a real person, with warm […]
The last few weeks have been awkward. Skint, very much so. Now we are having to have meetings with banks and beg for help. Not sure if I’m getting paid by work at all, or if it will be a tiny percentage, maybe even the normal salary? Sadly I’ve no access to anything showing company policies or procedures on HR type things. My job kept me depressed. I could turn up smiling and leave crying. It’s a complicated thing, I work for a small company but within a massive department store. I would see people from my company maybe every 3 to 5 months. I would see staff from the building I worked inside daily. They knew my name, and knew I was lonely, and I suspect they know I wasn’t coping very well if how the CCTV was pointed at me so often was owt to go by. No […]
Well, what can I say? I think kaboom is a great word for what’s going on. Last weekend I had a mental breakdown, it had been building for some time to be fair. I’ve been saying “I’m fine” way too much, as I just don’t know how to express how bad I feel. Kaboom… This resulted in me wanting to throw myself from the upstairs window on Saturday night, luckily I suppose, I have phobias, including a fear of heights. This meant I just was shaking uncontrollably instead, crying so much I felt like I was drowning from snot, and all around my eyes hurt like I had been punched in the face. I got up, went to work, struggling lots. Sunday night, same thing, so depressed it hurt. My partner had told me to stop snivelling and attention seeking. I wasn’t attention seeking, I was breaking from the inside. […]