PTSD


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Sleep and I 4

It feels like sleep and I are at war. If I’m awake I’m exhausted, when I’m asleep I am trapped by sleep and cannot wake up. I’ve been to my doctor so many times, I’m fed up of trying to say this is not normal. View image | gettyimages.com Today I had a routine doctors appointment about depression medication but it was a locum doctor. I felt uncomfortable and interrogated. When this, how long that, why this….? He asked a horrid few questions for a guy I’d never met. “Suicidal?” Not even are you to start the sentence, I say no not right now, “Recently?” “Erm a couple of months ago?” “Why?” I just shrug. “Do you self harm?” *nodded quietly* “well?” “Yes I do”. “How?” “I burn myself in the shower on purpose and other non visible harm”. My poor Blokey is next to me, he’s never asked such a […]


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Depression – the taboo 2

Depression! View image | gettyimages.com It’s a word all over the media lately. People with depression are not all dangerous, most of the time most of us are harmless to everyone but ourselves. I luckily am not a pilot. I’m not going to lie, I don’t think I should be in charge of hundreds of lives – ever. But I would happily get on a plane, even if I knew that some of the flight crew had or have depression. Just having depression does not make you want to harm others. If a person gets treatment it can really help, I don’t mean just tablets and more tablets, I mean therapists and real help.  Before I got “help” I would consider myself possibly a danger to others – if I was suicidal in the wrong place at the wrong time I wouldn’t have cared that others were in my way. I […]


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#WorldMentalHealthDay My Story 4

Twitter informs me its World Mental Health Day today. Something I can contribute to I feel. The other day I shared my doctors letter with you. I was hurt and upset to read a professional stating “Julie’s condition disables her” and his opinion that I’ll probably never be fit to work again. This is due to mental health. Mental health is often invisible. It often comes with a huge stigma, and a lot of judgement. A brief history of me… I’ve been abused, step father and a male partner. I have been beaten, robbed, raped, forced to do things, and utterly controlled to a point I lost the will to live. I escaped, I ran a few hundred miles and made internet friends. One of those internet friends is my Blokey, and we have two gorgeous children. Despite my mood swings, flash backs, nightmares, phobias, depression, dissociative disorder, and break […]


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When penny saving is bad – contraceptive tablets 61

Dear doctors/NHS/PCT or whoever thanks for swapping my tablets. Thanks very much for not explaining why. Thanks even more for not even mentioning it and causing me to panic thinking it must be a mistake, maybe my dyslexic handwriting was to blame on the repeat prescription request? What on earth is this medicine written on my repeat prescription? It’s certainly not an actual repeat! Male readers be warned, period talk! I take contraception as bleeding control. I bleed at random times and for prolonged *periods* of time. My periods are two weeks to about three months apart, I can’t guess when, I can’t plan things – I never know when it’s going to be a bad time. This would be unpleasant for any woman I’m sure. But for me, with an extreme phobia due to nearly dying of erm, female bleeding issues, it’s pretty hellish. I’ve been on Cerazette for 4 years. […]



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Is this how you see me? Is it?

Stigma – Do I Look Mental? #MentalPatient 5

Well twitter was a fun place tonight. An awful lot of people are deeply offended, upset, angered or plain livid with ASDA and Tesco. If you missed it I’m sure you’ll read about it soon. It’s not the costume that offends me so much as the name. Mental patient. I’m a mental patient actually, thanks ASDA. Read Nickie’s post on this costume. It has offended me and I am not really buying ASDAs “sorry” tweets. Way to go, fuel stigma and prejudice.   Do I look mental? Is there a uniform my psychotherapist forgot to issue me with? If I was cooking and had a big knife would that be a Halloween worthy look? Can you tell by looking at me I’m nuts? Mental? Medicated?


Why I hate Valentines day 10

So much fake lovey dovey stuff is forced in our faces from mid January to make you buy over priced and largely tatt tokens of affection. I don’t want chocolates in a heart shaped box, or a cheaply made teddy bear just because it’s hugging a heart cushion. It’s everywhere, and this year I am NOT playing this Valentine’s game! This is going to be a rant, a personal one. If you know my in real life kindly stop reading. One year ago, on Valentine’s day night, at midnight so he’d think I’d forgotten any kind of gift or love token, totally unexpected to him (I think) I got down on one knee and asked him to be my husband. He said yes, I was so happy. Then he refused to put the ring on saying he didn’t like jewelry, didn’t want it mentioned anywhere people might hear it or […]


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Mental Health Therapy Center is Shocking 4

Today I had to go for my therapy assessment. Was a big old building, not very welcoming as the door had several buzzer systems, a massive door knob and a few separate locks. Could be worse, plenty of improvement space though. I pressed the buzzer marked “reception” and say hi I’ve got an appointment. She replies OK then, but fails to let my in. I try a few times. Feel vulnerable and stupid stood on the doorstep of this building, massive mental health signs on the fence. Three students sat on the high steps of a Victorian house on the other side of the road, I might as well have been wearing a dunce hat with CRAZY in flashing neon lights. Could hear their comments, wasn’t a pleasant place to be. Luckily a patient (I assume as she had no badges or NHS pass card lanyard thingy “doctors” normally have) […]