No, I hadn’t either. But I was reading a pals blog, a lovely happy post, then I clicked on one of the related posts at the end. It was this the truth about tokophobia. Tokophobia apparently means an extreme phobia of pregnancy. So there is a new word for me to remember. I am terrified of pregnancy. Terrified of birth. Terrified of labour. I have flash back phobia related dreams. I imagine myself in labour, even though I am only dreaming I feel the pain. I feel cramping sudden pain like smaller contractions. Until I wake up I am back there. Things didn’t go well for me at the birth of my first son. Apparently it was all fine and not medically unusual. But I kept saying “something is wrong. Something is still inside me.” They didn’t believe I knew my own body, first time Mother, what would she know? […]
Its school sports day for Dee, there are approximately a hundred parents crammed close together on plastic chairs. One side of me I’m being pushed by a fidgety teen holding a toddler – I feel uncomfortable. The other side, a mum and a nan to a child in Dee’s year. For a while they went on about parents who never come to these kind of things. Well I don’t normally! I used to work, I wouldn’t be allowed a few hours off on a working day like today, I worked in a place that was always single-staffed. Then they continue the rant bringing shift workers in to it…. Thanks! Guess what I used to do shifts. She was saying to the Nan that shift workers should arrange their “split” in the shift around sports days. I’ve never been offered such a choice actually. Workers have to do what the boss […]
He was a bit annoyed the kids have been fighting all day and didn’t tidy up like they promised him when they saw him a fortnight ago. All the gifts are under the tree but….. Tree is fenced off. Nice gifts. That’s right boys. Santa has put you both on the naughty list. Christmas is not cancelled, I just want some manners and respect.
It’s been a stressful day for me. Well stressful week. I went out recently with my mother, first time I’d been near the city center since was signed off. Since I went mad I should say. I was so nervous and freaked out I felt like I was going to be sick, not that I was telling mum that. I was noticeably fidgity, constantly pulling and twisting and stroking my hair. I’m losing hair if I’m honest now. Can see thinner patches, have my hand in my hair right now infact. People in general don’t understand mental health problems, unless they’ve been here. Right now I’m hiding in the dark, yet again. I’ve been home with both kids today. They’ve been ignoring my attempts at parenting, only time they listen is if I’m holding food. The rest of the time its like being with feral animals. Unsure if they intend […]
Well, what can I say? I think kaboom is a great word for what’s going on. Last weekend I had a mental breakdown, it had been building for some time to be fair. I’ve been saying “I’m fine” way too much, as I just don’t know how to express how bad I feel. Kaboom… This resulted in me wanting to throw myself from the upstairs window on Saturday night, luckily I suppose, I have phobias, including a fear of heights. This meant I just was shaking uncontrollably instead, crying so much I felt like I was drowning from snot, and all around my eyes hurt like I had been punched in the face. I got up, went to work, struggling lots. Sunday night, same thing, so depressed it hurt. My partner had told me to stop snivelling and attention seeking. I wasn’t attention seeking, I was breaking from the inside. […]
I have been promised a refund now but have yet to see my money. Thanks to those who were asking. Such a stress though. My new bank cards arrived today so its a bit easier now. Its hard to believe how annoying it is not to have a debit card. Money now back in my account.
Today D has been really rather rude with me, J and Daddy. I lost count of the number of naughty steps, we are talking double figures though. Every time he communicates he has an evil/sarcastic voice and an attitude to match. I need help, I need time off. I hide from him! I just feel like a failure, whatever I do or say it ends badly. The last time I had time off was in November when I went to Australia…. so naughty no one will babysit. Ironically I’m babysitting the niece and nephew right now. We are all sofa now, they are all laughing so hard at classic muppets on dvd, its dead sweet actually.
I keep waking up on the sofa. Not good. Maybe its stress, the idea of bed does scare me; Because of the phobias. Who knows, but I’m fed up of it. Just woken up, washing up not done, laundry still needs pegging, need to do my work Rota, A few job applications and haven’t fed my bunnies. Doing well. :/
Now that I’m getting the hang of blogging, mainly by stalking twitter friends blogs I am getting more confident at this. I thought I’d have a little waffle, if this is OK with you guys? As you might know, as I hobby I comp. For those of you that don’t know “comp” or “comping” is entering competitions as a hobby, for profit, for the thrill or just because you’ve nowt better to do… which is how my addiction to comping started incidentally. In Feb 2011 we had a phone call from first news (children’s newspaper) about a competition my eldest had entered. It was quite a shock, and cried, was shaking, the LOT. He had won us a weeks holiday to Universal theme parks in Florida!! Gobsmacked and shell shocked didn’t begin to cover it. I was assured I would hear from Universal within a week, and that’s where the stress […]