No, I hadn’t either. But I was reading a pals blog, a lovely happy post, then I clicked on one of the related posts at the end. It was this the truth about tokophobia. Tokophobia apparently means an extreme phobia of pregnancy. So there is a new word for me to remember. I am terrified of pregnancy. Terrified of birth. Terrified of labour. I have flash back phobia related dreams. I imagine myself in labour, even though I am only dreaming I feel the pain. I feel cramping sudden pain like smaller contractions. Until I wake up I am back there. Things didn’t go well for me at the birth of my first son. Apparently it was all fine and not medically unusual. But I kept saying “something is wrong. Something is still inside me.” They didn’t believe I knew my own body, first time Mother, what would she know? […]
As some of my readers know, I have big phobias. Complicated phobias. Phobias that overlap and make lots of things very hard for me, almost impossible in some situations. But today sod you medical phobia, I was stronger than you today. I’ve been seeing a therapist weekly for months now, and sometimes I think “What is the point?” as I leave in tears or shakey or angry. Sometimes it feels like I am going backwards not forwards fixing these phobias and flashbacks and nightmares and well, you know!
It’s not been great recently, I won’t lie. I’m done, I’ve had enough and I want out. Except I’ve no where really to go. I can’t stand Him Indoors telling me I’m useless, that I’m lazy and milking an “illness” and should get a job… in retail no less. He keeps pointing out shop work : you know, what therapist and doctors and an independent occupational health adviser agree I’m not suited for. Retail nearly saw me leap from a window. Since not “working” I’ve got in to blogging, trying to blog for good, not just personal rants or reviews. I’ve helped charities, and supported others in the “online community”. To him they are strangers, people that don’t matter. To me they are my only friends. I need them, and I hope it’s a two-way friendship that they like me back.
Well what can I say, today didn’t start off great. I struggled to sleep again last night, and I’ve never been much of a morning person anyway, but this morning I didn’t see or hear my alarms. I have various alarm clocks, all set at slightly different times. First thing I see or hear today, not the alarms, but Blokey in a bad mood demanding I wake up now. He’s one of those people that wake up and *boom* he’s wide awake. I am not like that. I go through stages almost, starting off barely awake, slow and confused, I gradually realise I’m awake, and try to fight sleep, then eventually after about 30 to 40 minutes of being dazed I wake properly and stumble to the loo and brush my teeth. From then I’m ok, awake even if I’m feeling exhausted from good or bad dreams the night before. […]
Thanks to my nice therapist, Doctor Dave as I call him, my dog phobia has gone. I’m only worried by potentially dangerous dogs, dogs snarling and pulling on their leads. I’ve been asking strangers “can I stroke your dog” a lot more, previously this was my son Jen’s nagging, “mummy can we see that woofer?” “OK Jen, ask it’s grown up if it’s ok first”, “no, mummy, you ask”. I’ve not been crossing the road to avoid people’s pets, I’ve been able to deal with them the same as most other grown ups do. As I adore animals, the desire to rehome has kicked in now I’m not terrified by them. When I was younger my rescued mongrel runt, Ben, saved my life. There is definitely a bond between me and stray/rescued pets. Maybe they see it in my eyes I’ve suffered abuse when I was young myself, perhaps they […]
Sneak peek of my hair… In this photo was still wet, and it looked brighter. I used a highlight cap and hook, not a quick job alone. I put in some streaks using the cap, but avoiding the fringe area, so I can dye that purple later this week. Then I still had some pink left. Shame to waste it, so I tipped the ends as well. Gawd knows what my therapist is going to say in the morning. It’s pink and purple as those are Matilda’s colours. Bathroom was a bit of a state though!
Just when you think you’re doing OK something has to go a bit wrong? I won’t name them but I’ll just say LS. LS is high in the company I work for, like very high up indeed and they are visiting my store for a random check up. I’ve never met anyone from head office, and I am so paranoid about it! Worked for them over a year. I don’t fit in I’m not corporate, I don’t know company facts figures and jargon. And LS is coming on the first morning of Sale, to watch Me, and thing is first thing that morning I have a therapist session… the first real session as last time it was more a get to know you meeting. So this time round I might well leave the docs in tears. Fabulous….. fingers crossed LS is in fact a kind caring type of corporate person not […]