The weekend away

A couple of months back I booked a Sun newspaper holiday. I had told partner we needed time away, I needed time off of work and being a parent. I felt I was losing my marbles a bit by then.

Ironically I was just a bit too late, if I’d got time off a few weeks earlier maybe I’d be ok at the moment not on medication and feeling lost.

This will be my first time alone with him for months, December I think and that was only one night.
Since then, yes I’ve been on holiday to Cornwall camping but I got the slipped disk and was still with the kids. I love the boys, but a break is very much overdue.

Tommorow will be my first time out in a busy public place without partner since the breakdown.
I have to pick up both boys from school and take a bus to town to Gloucester Rugby ground.
Partner will meet us there as will be late. It worries me to be honest. (photo of the boys on way to a past match)

I don’t want to cry infront of a full stadium and I hope to heck its not a telivised match this week – the camera man adores little Jen and we nearly always end up on ESPN or SKYsports live tv coverage. I’m not feeling up to this.

What if D flips at me in public and I scream or shout or cry? Everyone will think I’m mad, and I’m not mad, I’m just not well. I feel I will be judged, and it scares me before I’m even there.

Then there is going away on Friday. What do I do, what do I say to my partner? I know I’m being a nightmare to live with, but its not much fun being me either.

Should I pack dressy clothing and try to flirt, and almost re-date partner, as I feel we don’t know each other anymore. Or should I dress how I feel, jeans and big hoodies to hide in?

Then there’s the problem of conversation. I can’t just talk anymore, nothing is said at all unless others talk to me. My chattiness ran away with my marbles I reckon. (if found kindly return)

I’ve said I’ll try not to use Twitter and t’internet when we are away, and he’s going to try to talk too. But what can I do, or pack to stop me from sitting in silence? I want to be his friend again…..

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