What if.. 2


My friends got me thinking tonight, “what if” and other deep pondering. Not that this comes over well in what I write, I think at 100 miles an hour, but can only type at 5mph!

What if I hadn’t met my OH? What if I’d chatted about whips and chains to a different guy or girl in Yates bar that day?

I feel I’ve failed as a mummy if I’m honest….. I love them immensely but should I be a mother? I can’t cook, shite at house work, my toddler is clingy and my eldest is distant, aggressive and bullies me if we are alone.

My “doctor” wants me to think back through my past and try to pin down when my fear of bleeding to death and phobia of needles (and anything medical that might end up with needles) started, he asked me for family photos from the age my phobias started…. its impossible, I’ve burnt or ripped them up! Was the same stage I’m my life that mothers husband was abusing us.

I wonder if I hadn’t been hurt, would I be more normal? Would I have been straight not bisexual, would I have been less paranoid and more able to fit in?

In summary, why or how do we end up who we are?


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2 thoughts on “What if..

  • brinkofbedlam

    I thought it was about time I caught up with what was going on in your life,this post is ever so thoughtful. I think you sound like a fabulous mum and Jen is a little love, he’s so obviously a well loved, happy lad and for all that domestic goddess crap on TV….well it doesn’t matter at all if a child’s not loved. I’m shit at housework too, and can’t cook either,but I know I try my best and that’s good enough. You do a great job being you, and being a mum. xxxx