It feels like sleep and I are at war. If I’m awake I’m exhausted, when I’m asleep I am trapped by sleep and cannot wake up. I’ve been to my doctor so many times, I’m fed up of trying to say this is not normal.
Today I had a routine doctors appointment about depression medication but it was a locum doctor. I felt uncomfortable and interrogated. When this, how long that, why this….? He asked a horrid few questions for a guy I’d never met. “Suicidal?” Not even are you to start the sentence, I say no not right now, “Recently?” “Erm a couple of months ago?” “Why?” I just shrug. “Do you self harm?” *nodded quietly* “well?” “Yes I do”. “How?” “I burn myself in the shower on purpose and other non visible harm”. My poor Blokey is next to me, he’s never asked such a direct question so I see him wincing at my answers.
The doctor then looks at Blokey and asks him “is it safe to prescribe her two months dose at a time?” I hear will you make sure she doesn’t overdose. He chats a bit about my sleep issues. He thinks it’s more likely Bipolar or something mental health related than physical like Chronic Fatigue… I think he’s wrong. It physically hurts to stay awake if my brain or body decide it’s sleepy time.
Today I woke up in the morning for the school run and stayed awake until my appointment but slept from 2pm until around 6:30pm when Blokey sat me up and put a plate of hot food by me. After eating I nodded off again. I had things to do today, but I just can’t.
The harder I try to be awake, to be present in a room, the stronger the sleep signals are. At the weekend I went away for a cottage break with other bloggers, that was amazing for me that I woke up two days in a row before 9am without being woken by anyone. However I am struggling from that now, over pushing myself always has a price. It was too near where I used to live, where I lived when I was abused – it was a weekend of PTSD triggers and trying to act normal. Now I am in a sort of sleep hang over.
How can I sleep over 12 hours and be tired still? It makes no sense to me, but I really want an actual diagnosis of something. I need to know why I am like this, then it might be treatable, it might go away?
Dear sleep, you are not my friend.
As someone who also finds it hard to sleep and survives on about 5 hours per night, every night, I feel your pain. Keep pushing your doctor, there’s an answer somewhere.
I’m so sorry, that sucks. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and it took me two years to get a diagnoses. Sending you good vibes!
I suffered from the same problem for years, but it recently got resolved. I just try to drink a calming caffeine free tea before bed, and I try not to use my phone at least half an hour before sleep. I now feel like I’m actually getting some rest when I’m sleeping.
Hi, so sorry to hear this. Doctors can be so harsh, you’re just a patient to them with facts to write down not a person with feelings and problems! I’ve had this a lot too. I have Fibromyalgia and EDS, I’ve had problems with sleep for years and struggle everyday. I don’t have much trouble getting to sleep, it’s the waking up! I can sleep easily for 12 hours straight, but no matter how much sleep I have I can’t wake up, it takes me several hours to pull round, every day! I wish I knew what to do. I’ve tried everything, family calling me, alarm clocks, no caffeine before bed, so many things but nothing works 🙁 So I do understand, I hope you get the help you need x