Sleep and I 4

It feels like sleep and I are at war. If I’m awake I’m exhausted, when I’m asleep I am trapped by sleep and cannot wake up. I’ve been to my doctor so many times, I’m fed up of trying to say this is not normal.

Today I had a routine doctors appointment about depression medication but it was a locum doctor. I felt uncomfortable and interrogated. When this, how long that, why this….? He asked a horrid few questions for a guy I’d never met. “Suicidal?” Not even are you to start the sentence, I say no not right now, “Recently?” “Erm a couple of months ago?” “Why?” I just shrug. “Do you self harm?” *nodded quietly* “well?” “Yes I do”. “How?” “I burn myself in the shower on purpose and other non visible harm”. My poor Blokey is next to me, he’s never asked such a direct question so I see him wincing at my answers.

The doctor then looks at Blokey and asks him “is it safe to prescribe her two months dose at a time?” I hear will you make sure she doesn’t overdose. He chats a bit about my sleep issues. He thinks it’s more likely Bipolar or something mental health related than physical like Chronic Fatigue… I think he’s wrong. It physically hurts to stay awake if my brain or body decide it’s sleepy time.

Today I woke up in the morning for the school run and stayed awake until my appointment but slept from 2pm until around 6:30pm when Blokey sat me up and put a plate of hot food by me. After eating I nodded off again. I had things to do today, but I just can’t.

The harder I try to be awake, to be present in a room, the stronger the sleep signals are. At the weekend I went away for a cottage break with other bloggers, that was amazing for me that I woke up two days in a row before 9am without being woken by anyone. However I am struggling from that now, over pushing myself always has a price. It was too near where I used to live, where I lived when I was abused – it was a weekend of PTSD triggers and trying to act normal. Now I am in a sort of sleep hang over.

How can I sleep over 12 hours and be tired still? It makes no sense to me, but I really want an actual diagnosis of something. I need to know why I am like this, then it might be treatable, it might go away?


Dear sleep, you are not my friend.

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4 thoughts on “Sleep and I

  • Diana

    I suffered from the same problem for years, but it recently got resolved. I just try to drink a calming caffeine free tea before bed, and I try not to use my phone at least half an hour before sleep. I now feel like I’m actually getting some rest when I’m sleeping.

  • Dani Martin

    Hi, so sorry to hear this. Doctors can be so harsh, you’re just a patient to them with facts to write down not a person with feelings and problems! I’ve had this a lot too. I have Fibromyalgia and EDS, I’ve had problems with sleep for years and struggle everyday. I don’t have much trouble getting to sleep, it’s the waking up! I can sleep easily for 12 hours straight, but no matter how much sleep I have I can’t wake up, it takes me several hours to pull round, every day! I wish I knew what to do. I’ve tried everything, family calling me, alarm clocks, no caffeine before bed, so many things but nothing works 🙁 So I do understand, I hope you get the help you need x