Depression

Sometimes Good Comes From Bad Stuff 6

This entry was posted in Depression Random Thoughts and tagged football GENIUS Jen social workers on

In October when I got “help” from doctors for suicidal depression I also got more than I bargained for. I got social worker involvement as the referring doctor, then lady I broke down in tears to, suggested I could be a danger to D. I was honest, way too honest. I explained how I thought he was evil, how he was a factor in the depression and breakdown and how I can’t cope with him. She then sneakily asked about Jen, I describe him as my teddy bear. My little friend, the person who hugs me and loves me. A smart mess…. Until I read my support workers report I thought they’d sent in social workers to help me, and the doctor wanted to help, seems was not actually a positive referral. Bugger. Note to self, shut up in front of people who can change things. Anyway so after reading […]

Child making me feel guilty…

This entry was posted in Depression Illness Kids and tagged failure Jen making on

According to little Jen I’m a bad mother because I said he has to go to school. He has BoyFlu and he’s really playing on it. He’s not even got a temperature just the snot and sniffles. As l mentioned yesterday my bike tyre gave up. So instead of me giving him a lift on this bitter morning we had to walk. Cue twenty mins of this! Screaming like a banshee the entire way. Leaning towards traffic as we walked. He wouldn’t hold my hand, instead I was required to keep a vice like grip on his little hand to keep him safe. Not stopping screaming once not even when he was telling me I’m nasty, mean and a horrid mummy. Why wont he just believe me… School is compulsory. I get to school and his teachers are sickly nice towards him. Almost validating his reasons for a strop. “Come […]

Mental Health Therapy Center is Shocking 4

This entry was posted in Depression Mental Health Rant and tagged appointment cold fence health light mental health NHS photo PTSD windows on

Today I had to go for my therapy assessment. Was a big old building, not very welcoming as the door had several buzzer systems, a massive door knob and a few separate locks. Could be worse, plenty of improvement space though. I pressed the buzzer marked “reception” and say hi I’ve got an appointment. She replies OK then, but fails to let my in. I try a few times. Feel vulnerable and stupid stood on the doorstep of this building, massive mental health signs on the fence. Three students sat on the high steps of a Victorian house on the other side of the road, I might as well have been wearing a dunce hat with CRAZY in flashing neon lights. Could hear their comments, wasn’t a pleasant place to be. Luckily a patient (I assume as she had no badges or NHS pass card lanyard thingy “doctors” normally have) […]

Feelings 2

This entry was posted in Depression and tagged Christmas coffee cold dishwasher Feelings Jen kids PND style on

How I’m feeling… Not great. The kids are pushing me until I want to cry. Work sent me a letter, long words that I believe mean “give us full access to your medical records or we could sack you”. Partner was shouting at me this morning as I was unable to wake again, he’d been trying an hour and apparently I was shouting in my sleep. He said sounded like I was shouting at people in a drunken argument style. When I eventually woke, first thing I saw is partner stood by the bed, angry and in his work suit, nagging me about how he would be late, and its like he’s looking after an extra child. I couldn’t get him to shut up so I went for distraction and just snogged him so he couldn’t keep talking. Then he stopped moaning and made me coffee in bed. Came home […]

Suddenly feeling abandoned and angry. 2

This entry was posted in Depression Partner Relationships and tagged Christmas HURTS on

Today is my partners work Christmas do. Its black tie, posh food at formal dinner. Then a party. First time I’ve been out in ages, and with partner on my arm in a cocktail suit. So why am I upset? Tonight I shall be wearing my only posh dress… It’s lovely and really long. A deep purple that shimmers another shade of purple. Great dress, except I bought this for my own wedding reception. Until he called it off a few months back… Yeah right when I had the breakdown. Is it a surprise I was suicidal? Any way, here we are. Is it normal to stay with someone after such a rejection? I doubt it. I still love him, although he no longer loves me. That hurts, I won’t sugar coat it. It REALLY HURTS. So off to the doctors for a check on how I’m coping, honestly doc […]

Money work etc 5

This entry was posted in Depression Employment and tagged allergic to alcohol HR lonely on

The last few weeks have been awkward. Skint, very much so. Now we are having to have meetings with banks and beg for help. Not sure if I’m getting paid by work at all, or if it will be a tiny percentage, maybe even the normal salary? Sadly I’ve no access to anything showing company policies or procedures on HR type things. My job kept me depressed. I could turn up smiling and leave crying. It’s a complicated thing, I work for a small company but within a massive department store. I would see people from my company maybe every 3 to 5 months. I would see staff from the building I worked inside daily. They knew my name, and knew I was lonely, and I suspect they know I wasn’t coping very well if how the CCTV was pointed at me so often was owt to go by. No […]

Stress, shouting and chest pain

This entry was posted in Depression Mental Health and tagged DEEEEEEEEE driving health kids mental health play stress on

It’s been a stressful day for me. Well stressful week. I went out recently with my mother, first time I’d been near the city center since was signed off. Since I went mad I should say. I was so nervous and freaked out I felt like I was going to be sick, not that I was telling mum that. I was noticeably fidgity, constantly pulling and twisting and stroking my hair. I’m losing hair if I’m honest now. Can see thinner patches, have my hand in my hair right now infact. People in general don’t understand mental health problems, unless they’ve been here. Right now I’m hiding in the dark, yet again. I’ve been home with both kids today. They’ve been ignoring my attempts at parenting, only time they listen is if I’m holding food. The rest of the time its like being with feral animals. Unsure if they intend […]

The weekend away

This entry was posted in Depression and tagged boys clothing Cornwall Gloucester Gloucester rugby Jen kids photo tv on

A couple of months back I booked a Sun newspaper holiday. I had told partner we needed time away, I needed time off of work and being a parent. I felt I was losing my marbles a bit by then. Ironically I was just a bit too late, if I’d got time off a few weeks earlier maybe I’d be ok at the moment not on medication and feeling lost. This will be my first time alone with him for months, December I think and that was only one night. Since then, yes I’ve been on holiday to Cornwall camping but I got the slipped disk and was still with the kids. I love the boys, but a break is very much overdue. Tommorow will be my first time out in a busy public place without partner since the breakdown. I have to pick up both boys from school and […]

Do you need to talk?

This entry was posted in Depression and tagged Depression HONESTLY PHQ on

I noticed that The Depressed Moose had one of those depression questionaires. I don’t mean magazine ones that have little or no intelligence behind them, no a real doctors tick sheet. You answer a few questions, each answer is worth 0-3 points. If you get a higher score, you should probably be talking to a doctor. Would be great if me sharing this form helped just 1 person avoid a breakdown, catching it whilst its still slight or moderate depression rather than  my slightly insane little meltdown. So here you go, utterly stolen from Moose, but with permission, so its all good. I’d recommend opening the file (.pdf) and then using Calculator on your computer screen, no effort. This Form Could Change a Life The PHQ9 Questionnaire is used by GP’s to asses your depression. If you suspect that you or, someone you know, has depression have a look at the […]

Kaboom – The Breakdown Post 8

This entry was posted in Depression Family Partner Work and tagged Australia broken cold Facebook health kids lonely making mental health rant son stress on

Well, what can I say? I think kaboom is a great word for what’s going on. Last weekend I had a mental breakdown, it had been building for some time to be fair. I’ve been saying “I’m fine” way too much, as I just don’t know how to express how bad I feel. Kaboom… This resulted in me wanting to throw myself from the upstairs window on Saturday night, luckily I suppose, I have phobias, including a fear of heights. This meant I just was shaking uncontrollably instead, crying so much I felt like I was drowning from snot, and all around my eyes hurt like I had been punched in the face. I got up, went to work, struggling lots. Sunday night, same thing, so depressed it hurt. My partner had told me to stop snivelling and attention seeking. I wasn’t attention seeking, I was breaking from the inside. […]

Well its been a rough few weeks but I’m ok

This entry was posted in Depression and tagged bed wetting Canada funeral health on

For those of you I chat to on twitter you will know I’ve been having a hard time lately. My nan having a stroke, then dying then a funeral. My lovely partner being sent to Canada and USA last week, just when I needed him so very much. And then there are the ongoing issues , a bed wetting toddler. A stroppy mini teenager. Minor health problems…. It all gets too Much….but I’m coping better.

Terrified of being alone 2

This entry was posted in Depression Partner and tagged boys Canada on

My other half has been told he has to go to Canada for a week by work. They are paying hotel, flights and reasonable expenses. In the 11 years we’ve been together we’ve never been apart overnight for more than 2 nights. The times he’s gone I’ve been like a love sick teenager, unable to sleep until almost daylight when exhaustion sets in. How on earth will I cope with both boys and Me, no Hubby. He’s my sanity, my “rock”, my best friend, the only one who truly understands me, my cook, my alarm call ….. he does so much for me. I can’t see the end of this month going well for me.