Mental Health

Feelings 2

This entry was posted in Depression and tagged Christmas coffee cold dishwasher Feelings Jen kids PND style on

How I’m feeling… Not great. The kids are pushing me until I want to cry. Work sent me a letter, long words that I believe mean “give us full access to your medical records or we could sack you”. Partner was shouting at me this morning as I was unable to wake again, he’d been trying an hour and apparently I was shouting in my sleep. He said sounded like I was shouting at people in a drunken argument style. When I eventually woke, first thing I saw is partner stood by the bed, angry and in his work suit, nagging me about how he would be late, and its like he’s looking after an extra child. I couldn’t get him to shut up so I went for distraction and just snogged him so he couldn’t keep talking. Then he stopped moaning and made me coffee in bed. Came home […]

Suddenly feeling abandoned and angry. 2

This entry was posted in Depression Partner Relationships and tagged Christmas HURTS on

Today is my partners work Christmas do. Its black tie, posh food at formal dinner. Then a party. First time I’ve been out in ages, and with partner on my arm in a cocktail suit. So why am I upset? Tonight I shall be wearing my only posh dress… It’s lovely and really long. A deep purple that shimmers another shade of purple. Great dress, except I bought this for my own wedding reception. Until he called it off a few months back… Yeah right when I had the breakdown. Is it a surprise I was suicidal? Any way, here we are. Is it normal to stay with someone after such a rejection? I doubt it. I still love him, although he no longer loves me. That hurts, I won’t sugar coat it. It REALLY HURTS. So off to the doctors for a check on how I’m coping, honestly doc […]

Money work etc 5

This entry was posted in Depression Employment and tagged allergic to alcohol HR lonely on

The last few weeks have been awkward. Skint, very much so. Now we are having to have meetings with banks and beg for help. Not sure if I’m getting paid by work at all, or if it will be a tiny percentage, maybe even the normal salary? Sadly I’ve no access to anything showing company policies or procedures on HR type things. My job kept me depressed. I could turn up smiling and leave crying. It’s a complicated thing, I work for a small company but within a massive department store. I would see people from my company maybe every 3 to 5 months. I would see staff from the building I worked inside daily. They knew my name, and knew I was lonely, and I suspect they know I wasn’t coping very well if how the CCTV was pointed at me so often was owt to go by. No […]

Stress, shouting and chest pain

This entry was posted in Depression Mental Health and tagged DEEEEEEEEE driving health kids mental health play stress on

It’s been a stressful day for me. Well stressful week. I went out recently with my mother, first time I’d been near the city center since was signed off. Since I went mad I should say. I was so nervous and freaked out I felt like I was going to be sick, not that I was telling mum that. I was noticeably fidgity, constantly pulling and twisting and stroking my hair. I’m losing hair if I’m honest now. Can see thinner patches, have my hand in my hair right now infact. People in general don’t understand mental health problems, unless they’ve been here. Right now I’m hiding in the dark, yet again. I’ve been home with both kids today. They’ve been ignoring my attempts at parenting, only time they listen is if I’m holding food. The rest of the time its like being with feral animals. Unsure if they intend […]

The weekend away

This entry was posted in Depression and tagged boys clothing Cornwall Gloucester Gloucester rugby Jen kids photo tv on

A couple of months back I booked a Sun newspaper holiday. I had told partner we needed time away, I needed time off of work and being a parent. I felt I was losing my marbles a bit by then. Ironically I was just a bit too late, if I’d got time off a few weeks earlier maybe I’d be ok at the moment not on medication and feeling lost. This will be my first time alone with him for months, December I think and that was only one night. Since then, yes I’ve been on holiday to Cornwall camping but I got the slipped disk and was still with the kids. I love the boys, but a break is very much overdue. Tommorow will be my first time out in a busy public place without partner since the breakdown. I have to pick up both boys from school and […]

Do you need to talk?

This entry was posted in Depression and tagged Depression HONESTLY PHQ on

I noticed that The Depressed Moose had one of those depression questionaires. I don’t mean magazine ones that have little or no intelligence behind them, no a real doctors tick sheet. You answer a few questions, each answer is worth 0-3 points. If you get a higher score, you should probably be talking to a doctor. Would be great if me sharing this form helped just 1 person avoid a breakdown, catching it whilst its still slight or moderate depression rather than  my slightly insane little meltdown. So here you go, utterly stolen from Moose, but with permission, so its all good. I’d recommend opening the file (.pdf) and then using Calculator on your computer screen, no effort. This Form Could Change a Life The PHQ9 Questionnaire is used by GP’s to asses your depression. If you suspect that you or, someone you know, has depression have a look at the […]

Kaboom – The Breakdown Post 8

This entry was posted in Depression Family Partner Work and tagged Australia broken cold Facebook health kids lonely making mental health rant son stress on

Well, what can I say? I think kaboom is a great word for what’s going on. Last weekend I had a mental breakdown, it had been building for some time to be fair. I’ve been saying “I’m fine” way too much, as I just don’t know how to express how bad I feel. Kaboom… This resulted in me wanting to throw myself from the upstairs window on Saturday night, luckily I suppose, I have phobias, including a fear of heights. This meant I just was shaking uncontrollably instead, crying so much I felt like I was drowning from snot, and all around my eyes hurt like I had been punched in the face. I got up, went to work, struggling lots. Sunday night, same thing, so depressed it hurt. My partner had told me to stop snivelling and attention seeking. I wasn’t attention seeking, I was breaking from the inside. […]

Well its been a rough few weeks but I’m ok

This entry was posted in Depression and tagged bed wetting Canada funeral health on

For those of you I chat to on twitter you will know I’ve been having a hard time lately. My nan having a stroke, then dying then a funeral. My lovely partner being sent to Canada and USA last week, just when I needed him so very much. And then there are the ongoing issues , a bed wetting toddler. A stroppy mini teenager. Minor health problems…. It all gets too Much….but I’m coping better.

Terrified of being alone 2

This entry was posted in Depression Partner and tagged boys Canada on

My other half has been told he has to go to Canada for a week by work. They are paying hotel, flights and reasonable expenses. In the 11 years we’ve been together we’ve never been apart overnight for more than 2 nights. The times he’s gone I’ve been like a love sick teenager, unable to sleep until almost daylight when exhaustion sets in. How on earth will I cope with both boys and Me, no Hubby. He’s my sanity, my “rock”, my best friend, the only one who truly understands me, my cook, my alarm call ….. he does so much for me. I can’t see the end of this month going well for me.

One evil job application down…

This entry was posted in Depression Random and tagged fear Tesco wildlife on

It’s taken a few days, but thanks to lots of help from Hubby, for which I owe him “favours”, the Tesco job application is done. I really do need a new job now, I’ve been trying hard to get a more suitable job or career for around 8 months, maybe more. It’s got to a stage where I’ve nothing to look forwards to, as even days off are overshadowed by the dread of going back to work the next day. If I don’t find a job soon I am very tempted to ask my doctors to sicknote me, sign me off for depression. I’ve had depression for years, mostly ignored and untreated. If they give me one of those questionaires about happiness I would fail, when did you last laugh? How often do you cry? Do you have friends? If you don’t know the questionaire consider yourself lucky. X Would […]

Reflux, and a sick baby 2

This entry was posted in Charity Mental Health and tagged children Food Jen PND poverty on

Well I was tagged by a twitter friend and asked to help out, so here you go Mich @ Mummy from the heart blog. Mich blogs these things so much better than me, so please do go to her blog for a read of her version. As a Mum I hate those starving kids adverts for charities on TV, not because I’m tight, but because it makes me feel helpless and useless I can’t do much to help them, I can’t go there personally and give those children clean water or food or hugs, and I won’t get into a financial debate here, but things are tight at the moment. I am very glad I was born in England, with clean water, and access to food and medicines. My youngest son, although not born early, or by C-section had a very similar problem to the situation mention in Mich’s post […]

What if.. 2

This entry was posted in Depression Random and tagged fear phobia on

My friends got me thinking tonight, “what if” and other deep pondering. Not that this comes over well in what I write, I think at 100 miles an hour, but can only type at 5mph! What if I hadn’t met my OH? What if I’d chatted about whips and chains to a different guy or girl in Yates bar that day? I feel I’ve failed as a mummy if I’m honest….. I love them immensely but should I be a mother? I can’t cook, shite at house work, my toddler is clingy and my eldest is distant, aggressive and bullies me if we are alone. My “doctor” wants me to think back through my past and try to pin down when my fear of bleeding to death and phobia of needles (and anything medical that might end up with needles) started, he asked me for family photos from the age […]