Mental Health

D had a Meltdown 6

This entry was posted in Mental Health and tagged children health Jen kids mental health rant social workers son on

For a long time I’ve been saying D is special and I suspect Aspergers or something related to it? I’m no doctor though. But there is definitely something odd, something un-average. He’s charming, super smart and obsessed by maths and Lego but at times he just flips and is like a disruptive hurricane of rage and hate that you can not even communicate with. Today for the first time in months, I think the first time this year actually, I went round someones house for tea. It should have been lunch but I was running late. It was nice for a while. Me and friend were chatting grown up things whilst drinking tea and all our kids were playing nicely on a Kinect doing bowling together, for a short time anyway it was nice! Then D suddenly flipped like he does at home, in front of another grown up. Whilst […]

Work Vs Benefits 2

This entry was posted in Benefits Depression Money Money Worries Working and tagged ATOS contests dogs ESA fear health mental health on

What to do? I’ve been off since October due to mental health. I still think returning to retail is wrong for me. I could work, but I’ve a great number of phobias and issues that limit the work I can do. How can you do shift work when afraid of the dark? I can’t even go into my garden after dark unless accompanied. Can’t work at the hospital due to my extreme medical phobias. Anything door to door is a non starter, fear of dogs and agoraphobia. It’s fun being different. :-/ I’m no longer getting paid by my employer as it’s been so long. But the idea of letting the benefit agency and ATOS scrutinise my mental health frightens me nearly as much as working with strangers. I’ve only ever done shop work, so office jobs don’t even respond to my applications. Or I get told irrelevant experience, wrong […]

Pimping Out My Online Skills #JuliesCV 9

This entry was posted in Advertising Bloggers Depression Money Worries Work Working and tagged blogger boys creative Food IT JULIE kids making mental health Paypal shopping win on

I need work, whilst I don’t think I can hold a normal job at the moment, the classic 9-5 is not right for me I do need some sort of income, sooo.. Here goes.. Typing away…. I have been out of work since October with depression and mental health. This in no way stops me writing or blogging but definitely impacts on my daily life, in particular speaking to people in person is very hard for me and leaving my house alone. Yesterday my partner also got bad employment news. We thought he was lined up to be made redundant, which wouldn’t have been great news, but there would have been a redundancy payout by the company so that would have actually been OK. What his bosses have done instead, is to demote him, including a pay cut as his job is “no longer needed”, and to keep his notice […]

Dear internet 5

This entry was posted in Depression and tagged HUG Jen lonely on

I am a useless person, I bring in no real income. I chat all day online via twitter on my phone to help pass the hours. I comfort eat as I’m bored lonely and cut off in real life. I can’t tell you the last time someone hugged me without a motive except little Jen. The last time a stranger spoke kindly to me was simply because Jen’s chattyness got her attention on the bus. That was just to say I must be a good mum as he’s rather smart for a 4 year old. The last time someone said this in real life before then? I can’t tell you. Online I get told regularly I’m kind, chatty, nice even. But face to face people drop me faster than a sweetie wrapper. Dear internet, you are all I’ve got and I just want a hug, a real person, with warm […]

Why I hate Valentines day 10

This entry was posted in Depression Partner Rant Valentines and tagged broken Canada cold Facebook fear funeral Gramps health Jen journey making mental health PND PTSD rant son travel Valentine's day on

So much fake lovey dovey stuff is forced in our faces from mid January to make you buy over priced and largely tatt tokens of affection. I don’t want chocolates in a heart shaped box, or a cheaply made teddy bear just because it’s hugging a heart cushion. It’s everywhere, and this year I am NOT playing this Valentine’s game! This is going to be a rant, a personal one. If you know my in real life kindly stop reading. One year ago, on Valentine’s day night, at midnight so he’d think I’d forgotten any kind of gift or love token, totally unexpected to him (I think) I got down on one knee and asked him to be my husband. He said yes, I was so happy. Then he refused to put the ring on saying he didn’t like jewelry, didn’t want it mentioned anywhere people might hear it or […]

Went out alone, to SeaLife 2

This entry was posted in Depression and tagged boys broken fish health mental health photo shoes style vlog on

On Wednesday I went out to Birmingham, I was on a mission to buy Merlin Annual passes. They have a January sale on, we had been looking online to buy these, but was about £550 online or £360 in a Merlin attraction. The sale prices were “in-store only” which is a bit of a nuisance. So twenty quid train fare was a bargain really to grab £200 ish discount. I am not actually paying, my mum wanted to treat my boys to some fun. 🙂 Cheers Mummy. So at the station this morning there was some drama. A “fatality on the line” had caused some delays and cancelled trains.Was a bit awkward sitting on the platform listening to other passengers asking why people with mental health issues and depression are let out alone. I was just sinking into the bench on the platform willing the train to hurry up. When […]

Almost Late for School 1

This entry was posted in Depression Family Gardening and tagged bad news boys bulbs chicken chickens coop digging dishwasher flower pots green Jen kids phobia School on

Today has been one of those bad days, things getting on my nerves, some bad news and money worries. On the way to school this morning it was dry as I walked out of the front door but chucking it down by the time I’d got my cycle from the garage. I pedal fast with Jen but the rain was right in our faces, and so was the wind. Then it stopped once I got him inside the classroom! Typical eh?Then I came home and did some laundry. All seemed OK until I took the items out of the washer. Everything had brown powdery marks on them like someone had washed it in cocoa powder. I’ve no idea why this keeps happening every few washes recently. Then I tried to use the toaster, but it failed. Was plugged in and turned on, put the bread in and pushed button, nothing! […]

Nightmares and Weird Dreams 1

This entry was posted in Depression Partner Sleep and tagged boys Domestic Violence kids play on

I feel sorry for my Partner.Since my medication was increased I’ve been having more vocal outbursts whilst asleep. Whilst I don’t think my dreams are any worse than before, this last week has been interesting for the poor blokey. On Saturday morning in the early hours I was having one of those dreams about the past again, not pleasant sort of dream, I was muttering in my sleep then I apparently punched him hard twice in the back. Not a little half-hearted slap, a proper punch from which he’s still sore now. I remember feeling threatened in my dream, and I had attacked someone to defend myself, of course I later learnt I hadn’t *just* dreamt about hitting out. Sunday morning also in the middle of night I started shouting. I vaguely remember giving some strongly worded insults in my dream/nightmare. Again it was a dream involving Domestic Violence from […]

Sometimes Good Comes From Bad Stuff 6

This entry was posted in Depression Random Thoughts and tagged football GENIUS Jen social workers on

In October when I got “help” from doctors for suicidal depression I also got more than I bargained for. I got social worker involvement as the referring doctor, then lady I broke down in tears to, suggested I could be a danger to D. I was honest, way too honest. I explained how I thought he was evil, how he was a factor in the depression and breakdown and how I can’t cope with him. She then sneakily asked about Jen, I describe him as my teddy bear. My little friend, the person who hugs me and loves me. A smart mess…. Until I read my support workers report I thought they’d sent in social workers to help me, and the doctor wanted to help, seems was not actually a positive referral. Bugger. Note to self, shut up in front of people who can change things. Anyway so after reading […]

Child making me feel guilty…

This entry was posted in Depression Illness Kids and tagged failure Jen making on

According to little Jen I’m a bad mother because I said he has to go to school. He has BoyFlu and he’s really playing on it. He’s not even got a temperature just the snot and sniffles. As l mentioned yesterday my bike tyre gave up. So instead of me giving him a lift on this bitter morning we had to walk. Cue twenty mins of this! Screaming like a banshee the entire way. Leaning towards traffic as we walked. He wouldn’t hold my hand, instead I was required to keep a vice like grip on his little hand to keep him safe. Not stopping screaming once not even when he was telling me I’m nasty, mean and a horrid mummy. Why wont he just believe me… School is compulsory. I get to school and his teachers are sickly nice towards him. Almost validating his reasons for a strop. “Come […]

Mental Health Therapy Center is Shocking 4

This entry was posted in Depression Mental Health Rant and tagged appointment cold fence health light mental health NHS photo PTSD windows on

Today I had to go for my therapy assessment. Was a big old building, not very welcoming as the door had several buzzer systems, a massive door knob and a few separate locks. Could be worse, plenty of improvement space though. I pressed the buzzer marked “reception” and say hi I’ve got an appointment. She replies OK then, but fails to let my in. I try a few times. Feel vulnerable and stupid stood on the doorstep of this building, massive mental health signs on the fence. Three students sat on the high steps of a Victorian house on the other side of the road, I might as well have been wearing a dunce hat with CRAZY in flashing neon lights. Could hear their comments, wasn’t a pleasant place to be. Luckily a patient (I assume as she had no badges or NHS pass card lanyard thingy “doctors” normally have) […]